Questions on Life and Death - Continuation Along A Theme

'...Suicide' I ask myself, 'how can there be suicide if Saint Peter himself has granted me entry?' It's a brain twister I'll grant you that, but in having willingly undertaken a trip to see old Saint Pete, infers that I have harmed myself in an effort to cause death. If Saint Peter lets me through those pearly gates, is it suicide, or is it my time? Was I predestined to die at this time, in this particular way and if so, did the plan for my life and ultimate death, always lead to the pearly gates? If I am granted entry, and refused exit, does that make that which hides beyond those pearly gates heaven or hell?

Or is it all decided on a coin toss, where Saint Pete confers with his God, our God, my Gods... And as I reach those infernal beautiful gates does my impending doom rely upon who entered before me? Were they naughty or were they nice? Is today a hell of a day to die, or is it just my time. Should the Gods allow me to both enter and depart with a cheery wave from old Saint Pete, does this mean that I can take the tour and decide upon my eternal resting? That all tales of woe and flame are told, to instill an embedded fear from my birth so as to steal the will so freely granted me before I arrived?

In visiting those pearly gates a second, or even a third time, not by accident nor by age, but by my hand itself, do I reclaim the will that was mine, stolen at my birth? Will Saint Peter gladly welcome me entrance and exit, for I truly seek the knowledge denied to my life by use of will, hidden away from my very existence?